Five Tips on Being a Good Wingman

August 18, 2009 2:51 PM
by Pete Tremblay

It seems that there is almost nothing that picking up someone and war doesn’t have in common. Regardless of what kind of target you are looking to engage for the evening, the battle field of being single is full of complications and factors that even the most veteran of solo warriors can’t possibly anticipate or navigate without the backup of a trustworthy and equally as seasoned wingman.

A wingman is to take over many responsibilities to keep the mission going smoothly, but more importantly the number one and highest priority of responsibility for the wingman is to support the pilot in his mission to score the hottest and most sought after target that is within his league (or with the support of a really talented wingman, WAYY out of it).

The obvious requirements and expectations of being a wingman have been outlined many times and are all basic laws of battle when you agree to the role for the evening… or are they? Is it possible that taking one for the team and supporting your pilot may not end in a story of self sacrifice and awkward sex the next morning? When you’ve finally found your parking space and realized that there’s (luckily) still a shot or two of vodka left in that bottle in the trunk from the night before, why is it necessary for there to be celebratory shots for one? You, as a wingman, historically are to be revered for your self sacrifices from the night before; however there is nothing that says that you as a wingman can’t change the odds to be in your favor all while still supporting the pilot.

Here are a few simple rights and suggestions to be held dearly by all of the wingmen out there that will nearly guarantee a successful evening for both pilot and support. Ghost Rider you have permission to buzz the tower...

Wingmen Unite! Arrive in a Wolf Pack, not just as a pair…

A group of warriors attacking an organized group of targets simultaneously will generally even out the playing field so that no one is left with the krill at the end of the night. Lets be honest, within a group of friends not everyone is as equally skilled, and just as often not everyone is going after the same type of target. Assume that the opposing grouping of friends that happen to be out for the first time in a few months are taking on a similar mission for the evening, disguising it as “just going for a girls’ night out.” There should be a “target rich environment”, and all will be copasetic as long as it is discussed in the evening briefing that there will be no competition within the pack. Call your mark and have at it, every man for them selves!

Turn your inevitable kamikaze sacrifice into a first impression for the next mission.

Okay, there isn’t always a posse available to hit the club and more often than not there will only be a partnership attempting to go out and take on some targets. When a typical mission is handed to you where the inevitable sacrifice is expected for the betterment of the pilots cause, use the Kamikaze attack to your advantage. Approach the secondary target with the intension and understanding that they have other more desirable friends that are not in attendance that evening. The nicer and more interesting you are to the secondary target the more likely that she will mention you to one of those friends. It is possible to be interesting and consuming without shaming yourself and lowering your standards for the good of your partner, just use charisma and charm. The name of the game is distraction. Make the friend feel interesting and acknowledged… after all that’s all the sidekick really wants in the first place! Bank on your reputation being shiny and desirable after words and a more aggressive and attractive friend will swoop in and take you off of the ugly friend’s hands!

Acquire a secondary mission after the primary mission is complete

The most important quality of a good wingman is to know when to step away. There will come a time in the evening where there will be nothing that you as a wingman (or the targets distracter for that matter) can do to change the outcome of the mission. You’ve given your support to the pilot, followed all the rules, and for all intents and purposes at that moment he is either sealing the deal or being left for dead. This is when you make your move! You’ve been interesting and cordial enough to the dodgy friend that you have popped up on someone else’s radar. Now is the time to take a quick scouting run and determine a secondary mission for yourself. After all you’ve done all you can for the pilot, its time to form your own plan of attack!

Intoxicate yourself to the point of enjoying your slow death

Hey, the wing woman my not exactly be who you would imagine to be your primary target, in fact just the idea of getting near enough to smell her perfume kind of makes you want to eject and crawl through the jungle to make your way back to base. However after a few (or a dozen) drinks, her (fill in somewhat desirable trait here) is really beginning to seem interesting and appealing, almost… dare I say it… sexy? Come on, let’s face it, the less physically talented targets have never been considered hot, so she must have had to develop a killer sense of humor and interesting personality. Maybe your addiction to anime might be satiated when you walk into her room (for the seppuku) and see a mural set up to sailor moon and an authentic Sailor Mercury outfit hanging in the closet. After all she could be your soul mate (for the night). With a little help from your guardian angels Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, and Jim Beam you might wake up with a smile on your face and a faded memory of her screaming “YAH TAH!!!!”

Why does there have to be wingman at all?

You and your “pilot” are equally skilled, right? Instead of having to build up the pilot all night why can’t there be a two tiered attack? Co-Piloting is tricky, however with a little bit of selflessness from both pilot and wingman, there is no reason that both can’t walk away from the mission successful! Two wingmen working in conjunction with one another and being completely aware of the partners situation will work perfectly for paired targets. Remember not every appealing target has a disheveled and frumpy escape hatch. With a little proper scouting twin targets can be found and engaged. Man up and watch your own tail.