The Worst Pick-up Lines

August 11, 2009 2:57 PM
by Pete Tremblay

The pick-up line. Created in 100,000 BC upon the discovery of voluntary control of the vocal chords by man’s most prolific ancestor Cro-Magnon Man. This mating call, being the second controllable vocal expression after the necessary series of grunts and vocalizations meaning “HOLY SHIT A SABRETOOTH TIGER IS ABOUT TO RIP OUT MY THROAT,” was created in order to attract the female Cro-Magnon to both propagate the species and also give the caveman a sense of accomplishment and feeling of supremacy amongst his fellow cave dwellers.

It has been discovered that the phrase “MAN COME BACK TO CAVE AND ACT LIKE BABOON IN SPRING” came into existence one evening after Cro-Magnon man had a brief social encounter after a long day of hunting for mastodons’ with no luck. Consuming four to five fermented guava, which was known to help ease Cro-Magnon’s nerves and make him more intelligent, stronger, and more desirable, Cro-Magnon man approached Cro-Magnon woman who was standing alone at the river bed, looked over to her and began performing the mating ritual.

The guttural vocalization of the phrase (which cave man decided to try after learning it from another on the hunt who claimed to mate with tribe leaders daughter a few weeks prior) did not translate correctly, as language was new and not controlled very articulately, and caused the female to attack the caveman, ripping his hair out and pounding his chest until he passed out from both the pain and subsequent embarrassment (which although very baboon like in reaction, was not the anticipated or desired response.) This single event has become known in the annals of pick up line history as the first instance of “being shot down.”

Although the evolution of this intricate form of the mating ritual has evolved past the stages of description of obvious primal urges in an attempt to confuse and attract possible female mating partners, there are still some phrases that exist that more often than not tend to garner a reaction very akin to that of the first Cro-Magnon pick up experience. We have compiled a list of these phrases in an attempt to allow for social evolution to take hold and discard of their existence for the good of the species.

"Hey! Do you have the time?...Cause I've got the place."

Although meeting the requirements of being somewhat witty, and proving to the receiver of said line that you are in fact not homeless and may even own a watch, This line may confuse the female causing her to look at you quizzically, pat your hand emphatically and direct you to the nearest bartender and or unattractive “wing woman” departing with a quick “I bet she/he has a watch!” FAIL. Next time try something a little less confusing and stupid such as “Hi do you have cigarette?” Don’t say much else beyond your name and how your day was, if it occurred in a perfect world. Drink more.

"Smile if you want to sleep with me."

This line could possibly get a possible reaction and a laugh in best case scenario (because of how incredibly crass it is), in a worst case scenario that smile (that probably wasn’t mean’t for you) will disappear, serious eye roll will occur and all possibly credibility and recovery options will be destroyed. FAIL Okay using the obvious smile thing is funny, due to the fact that obviously everyone is smiling if they are trying to pick up someone at the bar. However the obviousness of the phrase leaves nothing to the imagination of exactly what you’re going for and people at least need to pretend sometimes that there is another reason to be there. Try going after a cougar. They’ll go for anyone 20 years younger. There’s always that wine bar down the road.

"Was your father a farmer by any chance? Because I'm loving those melons."

This will most likely just get you punched, and then thrown out of the bar by a guy from Jersey with a bunch of gold chains around his neck. The only slight possibility of this working is if the girl is completely wasted, and in fact from Idaho, and is missing a few teeth. MASSIVE FAIL. There is little left to say besides you have no tact, no intention of actually getting laid and you may or may not be attracted to your 14-year-old cousin. Go home at this point, because you’re done for the night.

Here are a few other gems we’ve discovered along the way!

- "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
- "Do you work for FedEx? Cause I swear I saw you checking out my package."
- "If you were a booger, I'd pick you first."

Happy Hunting!