8 Obscure Hangover Cures

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home > arts,culture&fashion > 8 Obscure Hangover Cures

May 6, 2009 2:09 PM
by Peter Tremblay

Throughout the history of civilization there has been a universally known and incredibly varied mythical elixir that will give anyone willing to ingest the concoction super powers and incredible social prowess! This very substance is credited with being one of the top reasons that people began to congregate in one central area, having the power to unify an incredibly diverse group of wanderers weary from the days hunt, searching for relaxation and a moment of solidarity with new friends.

Upon ingesting this “elixir of the Gods” (and repeating multiple times) the wanderer, steadied and confident, has been instilled with the ability to defeat any foe (even if he is twice your size, wearing a Gold’s Gym muscle shirt, wearing multiple gold chains and smells like the South Jersey Shore), expertly flirt with any woman (especially the one standing next to the guy wearing the Gold’s Gym Shirt named Candy) and dance better than even the most skilled of professional break dancers! The potion’s effects are so powerful and legendary that there are over 100 million (at time of publication) phrases to describe the magical effects on the wanderer, his friends, and the misadventures and triumphs from the night before! Such impassioned terms as Trashed, Shitfaced, Sloggered, Wasted, Sloshed, Tanked, Wrecked, Ruined, Ridiculous, Fucked Up, Hammered, Blasted, Blitzed, Boozy, Busted, Plastered, Three Sheets to the Wind (for sailors and or Jimmy Buffett fans) and simply DRUNK! have been used to describe the ingestion of God’s Tears… Alcohol!

No matter what you call the effects of getting pissed and celebrating the fact that you don’t have to work in the morning, there is only one way to describe the inherently karmatic backlash the Universe has in store for you. With every action there is an equal and opposite reaction; this reaction, known only as the Hangover, can hit twice as hard as the Jersey Shore guy after you’ve decided to tell Candy exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center of the tootsie pop, and take twice as long to recover.

Throughout history there have been many cures and remedies for this state of being ranging from brilliant to down right bizarre depending on the culture, science and mysticism of the times. We here at CoolJunkie have been inclined to share some historical answers and modern day recipes to help you get through the next morning, day and evening, so that when the moment comes, another dose of destroyed can be experienced! HUZZAH! Onward Lads!

Back in the Day: The Assyrian culture, being incredibly brutal and hateful of anything and everything peaceful, calm, and serene in the ancient world would conquer the post raping and pillaging hangover by grinding up the beak of a Swallow (African or European) and mixing with Myrrh Oil(a type of tree sap) and drinking.

Hail! Caesar! Our indulgent friends from the Roman Empire would also take advantage of our fine feathered friends by deep frying a Canary, drinking yolk from an Owl’s Egg (raw of course) and plastering leaves of vines to their foreheads (presumably so that the natural oils would seep into the pours of the wearer to sooth the headache).

Sea now, that’s better! SCUBA divers the world over will tell you that after a long night sailin’ with the captain there are few better ways to re-oxygenize your system than to bust out the oxygen tank and breathe from the regulator for a few minutes. Couple that with a super greasy breakfast of bacon, eggs, toast and water, and you’ll be feeling better in no time. The O2 blast enhances your metabolism

I Feel Like Shit! When Billy the Kid and Wild Bill would get a little too faded from the moonshine, there is a 100% surefire way to kill that pesky hangover. According to Wild West Lore, cowboys and outlaws alike would brew tea made from the droppings of a rabbit. As the legend goes, that there concoction would cure the wrangler of the hangover and banish the shakes that they got from alcohol withdrawal. Yippi Kai Yay!

Damned Hooligans! The Scottish people, (historical alcoholic equivalent to the T-REX) have a very simple cure for getting Capernoited (from Scottish slang for "muddleheaded." Also, a "caper" is a drinking spree) – is a mixture called the Highland Fling. The Fling a is drink consisting of a pint of heated buttermilk, mixed with a tablespoon of cornflower seasoned slightly with salt and pepper.

I Can See the remedy, can Yew? One of the strangest cures for the bottle blues comes from Mongolia. Genghis Kahn’s crew would eat pickled sheeps’ eyeballs and wash it down with a mixture of brine and tomato juice. Delicious.

Hoodoo for Voodoo? If you ever find yourself in Haiti, heaving from Hittin’ the Sauce, ask the locals for a bit of a hand. In order to relieve that headache and creeping feeling of being half alive, the cure is simple. Find the bottle that was the culprit, and create a voodoo doll out of it. Stick 13 pins in the cork, chant a few intangible phrases in Creole and BAM! Your hangover has disappeared as fast as it set in!

Back to the Future: Essentially the idea of the grinding up the birds chompers and mixing with tree sap, drinking rabbit pooh, and swallowing a sheep’s eyeballs are all an attempt at removing the basic vitamins and minerals from the substances to replenish the tapped physical resources that Getting’ Crunk steals from your body. Alcohol ingestion causes an intense amount of dehydration not to mention causes your liver to work overtime depleting your body of necessary elements to feel right in the morning. A modern equivalent to Beak Syrup and Rabbit Tea would be a Sports Drink such as Gatorade and Yerba Matte (a tea from Argentina containing an explosively high amount of Vitamin B12 complex). The electrolytes and B Vitamins will restore what you’re missing, and the water will rehydrate you. Mix with Advil to ease your aching head and your good to go. Just pace yourself a bit, drink a bottle of water in between switching from Liquor to beer or wine, or do anything to avoid getting dehydrated at all costs! Have a good breakfast rich in protein and potassium, have a glass of tea and pop an Advil, and you won’t miss a beat!