Beach Threads: Miami's Best and Worst Bikini Trends

August 5, 2008 12:43 PM
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[Article written by Michael Maryanoff]

The bikini is a true modern marvel. It's hard to top an outfit that amounts to a little more than spandex underwear, yet won’t incur any legal penalties when worn in public. With bikinis getting smaller and smaller every year, it seems as though swimsuit designers can do no wrong. But all is not well in the land of bikini. Bored with the traditional format, designers have ventured into uncharted territory in search of fresh designs. Occasionally this has yielded positive results, but many times it has ended in disaster. What’s even worse is that the constant touting these fashion disasters receive has clouded the minds of unsuspecting bikini wearers, rendering them unable to distinguish a sexy bikini from a seaside eyesore. In an attempt to clear things up a bit (and with complete disregard for good taste or sensitivity), CoolJunkie presents to you the best (and worst) recent bikini trends.

According to Wikipedia, the monokini, invented in 1964 by Austrian fashion designer Rudi Gernreich, was originally intended to consist solely of a bikini bottom and two shoulder straps, with the breasts remaining bare. Buy that man a Corona, because that sounds like the greatest idea in the history of beachwear. Sadly, today’s monokini looks like something David Bowie would wear if he were to make a guest appearance on Babylon 5. The boob-kini gets canned and Vera Bradley bags are selling better than water bottles in the Sahara? That’s not just a fashion crime, it’s a violation of fashion human rights. Ladies, if the odd design and awkward shape of the monokini isn’t enough to deter you from wearing one, consider the fact that your tan lines will resemble a topographical map of Nepal.

Even though the bandeau isn’t the worst thing you could wear to the beach, at least it looks like it was designed on this planet. I would even go so far as to say they look decent. But their inherent flaw in that they suppress one of the greatest things about the beach: boobies. A simple piece of elastic and spandex has the ability to transform the most voluptuous of vixens into flat-chested schoolgirls. Gazing at a pair of chest melons is great, but a pair of chest pancakes? Not so much.

I understand that the standard bikini template can get a bit drab, but in seeking alternatives to the status quo, wouldn’t it be better if you found a solution from this century? Call me crazy, but I’m not a fan of fashion trends that are reminiscent of my grandmother’s sunbathing habits. High-waisted attire is suitable for certain aquatic activities, such as oyster shucking and deep-sea Urkel impersonations, but I wouldn’t recommend it for sunbathing.

This is a step in the right direction. The beach is one of the few places where you can get away with such wildly inappropriate attire as the string bikini, so you should take full advantage of the opportunity. It also boasts a quick removal time, an attribute that can come in handy if you find yourself in a situation that requires quick bikini bottom removal. I applaud anyone who wears the string bikini, simply because they are silently acknowledging that the modern bikini (one of the most revealing pieces of clothing in history) is simply too conservative of a wardrobe choice.

Why make a bikini out of spandex when there are many alternative materials out there? Take the candy bikini, which combines the deliciousness of candy with the awesomeness of curves, or the coconut bikini, which is both festive and inexpensive. Make sure to be careful when choosing a material, because what may seem like a good idea on paper may not be practical. For example, if you are going to be in the hot sun, you might not want to wear a bikini made completely out of chocolate or whipped cream. The same goes for a bikini made out of metal: it may look nice and shiny in photo shoots, but in real life it could end up cooking parts of you that you might want to leave raw. On the other hand, an unwarranted butt-squeeze will be swiftly rewarded with a 3rd degree burn on the offending hand.

I don’t have any problem with plus-sized women roaming the beach. If you are sporting a few extra pounds and are confident enough to roam around the beach in a skimpy outfit, more power to you. But if you think that a sarong is going to hide the cellulite, you are sadly mistaken. If you really want to draw attention away from your thick thighs, I don’t think a brightly covered see-through drape is the solution. It’s a lose-lose situation, because if you don’t have anything to hide, you’re depriving everyone of a potentially pleasant sight (unless you forgot to shave your legs, in which case the sarong is probably a good idea).

When it comes to women’s swimwear, less is always more. Unfortunately for us, some men think that this rule applies to both sexes (hint: it doesn’t). I don’t care how much HGH you take or how many leg presses you do, a woman’s perfectly sculpted rear end makes me want to cry for completely different reasons than yours does. The worst offenders aren’t overzealous gym rats that want to show off their physique, but over-tanned old men who haven’t gotten the memo that they are well past the cutoff point for Speedos. I always feel bad for the eager tourists who come to South Beach in anticipation of rock-hard bodies, only to get an eyeful of something that resembles a wad of cookie dough wrapped in leather. Yikes.