Where Our Founding Fathers Would Party

June 30, 2009 1:17 PM
by Pete Tremblay

The 4th of July is fast approaching 2009 at a time when faith in our country and its leadership is at a point where it is beginning to falter. If only the fathers of our country could come back on the scene and show us a thing or two about freedom and government! It would only take a few months for us Americans to be standing in full militia in the town square with our sites set on kicking ass in everything and showing those limey bastards a thing or two! But what after the battles have ceased and the time for celebration has come? Where would our forefathers go to kick back and have a few rounds? CoolJunkie has taken the liberty to do a little research into this pressing question and through vast amounts of personality analysis and a spot of creativity we have compiled this list of places the top three most notable founders of our country would go on Fourth of July! Enjoy!

George Washington

What about Washington: According to the legend of the father of our country, George was essentially the combination of General Petraeus, Mel Gibson’s character from the Patriot, Super Man, Bill Clinton and Gandhi. Touted as the man who “cannot tell a lie” (before honest Abe Took the mantel of most honest man ever) there are a few things that cannot be disputed about Washington: He was a hell of a soldier, an intense leader of men, and a no-bullshit politician and president. The constitutional congregation wanted to appoint him king of America, to which George gracefully declined. History also tells us that Georgie was a big fan of laudanum, a common derivative of Opium, to keep that shark tooth smile in check (made of actual ivory from the hippo and Elephant, NOT wood which is so commonly believed.)

Washington in Williamsburg (New York) : The first President of our country was elected to the office in NYC, and so to celebrate the birth of the great nation that Washington lead to victory over those damned lobster backs back in 1776, it is only fitting that the party would be held in the first capital of our country.

Hail to the Chief: Given the primary Prez’s taste in extra curricular activities and chasing the dragon it is only natural that the digs for this 4th would be found in a reformed Opium Den in NYC known as the Apotheke. This difficult to find spot houses one of the best varieties of specialty drink menus found anywhere in NYC. Washington was always a bit of a modest person with great taste so the seclusion and elegant decoration and giant marble bar would suit the Commander in Chief just fine.

John Hancock

What chu Know bout Hancock?: John Hancock is best known for being that rich guy who endorsed the Declaration of Independence with such a huge signature that the King of England personally had to rip Hancock’s preemptive ink filled boot out of his ass a few months before the Revolutionary war technically began. This guy has had such a large impact on the idea of personal statement that his name became synonymous with “sign here”. After a slight hesitation from the congregation after initial acceptance of the Declaration, Hancock sauntered up to the table where the document lay and signed the shit out of it.

Heeere’s Johnny!: John was well known for a few other things besides signing what was thought to be his own death certificate on that faithful day in 1776. To the world of his contemporary Johnny was a bit of a playboy. Imagine Hugh Hefner mixed with Tony Soprano but with a bit more tact and political aspiration, who loved to party. What a better place than for someone who’s larger than life and doesn’t give a f*** but Vegas.

What happens in: Very obviously John Hancock would be spending the celebration of his gamble in none other than Sin City, at no other place than the swanky Rain ultra club that finds its home in the Palm Casino Resort. This place has everything and more for someone that has testicles made out of Titanium. Rain houses such amenities’ as private cabanas and sky boxes as well as a full menu of pretty much any type of seafood you can imagine.

Benjamin Franklin

A Bit about Ben: “Dr.” Ben Franklin is known for a million different things throughout the annals of American history. A statesman (helped craft the Articles of Confederation and the Declaration of Independence), scholar had a plethora of degrees from world universities, most importantly an honorary doctorate from Oxford), world traveler, inventor (rumored to have discovered electricity), a fierce politician (involved with everything from the First Continental Congress to the election of George Washington), and one hell of a ladies man, it is rumored that Franklin single handedly coerced more than half of the policies outlined in the Declaration of Independence to be re-thought and reorganized in order for more clarity and power for the now independent colonies.

The 4th in Philly: Ben Franklin was always a steadfast believer in Philadelphia, going as far as to travel to England in the mid 1700’s in order to speak to the British Crown about the power of the Penn Family and the taxes that they were demanding. A man of great taste and elegance, Franklin would certainly celebrate the 4th in high class in his home state.

Where’s The Party At?!: Ben Jamin’, a man of discrete taste in all things would surely pop in to a high-class establishment such as The Continental. This restaurant and martini bar has high accolades and awards from food and wine magazine and was also featured in “Sex in the 90’s” on MTV. Being a lover of both vintage (and by vintage I mean turn of the century) mystique and modern cultivations, Franklin would most likely be found at the bar, sipping a signature cocktail surrounded by … well, just about everyone. Better bring some cash though, this place is swanky. They don’t call em’ Benjamin’s for nothing!