Junkie Thoughts and Opinions: Death to the Jukebox

January 7, 2009 4:48 PM
by Marcos Colón

One of the greatest gifts that technology has ever given us is the jukebox; a magical machine of sounds that can transport anyone anywhere in time, depending on the tracks chosen. When they were first released in the 1930s, the jukebox (Quick history lesson: The term derives from ‘jook,’ which was slang for dancing back then. And of course, ‘box’ for the shape) carried with it the most popular songs of the era.

Now, in the 1930s it was all about the most popular music, which the majority of Americans could primarily agree with. But now things are a bit different, and slowly I've grown to despise this machine especially when it comes to Coconut Grove here in Miami. Not only is it overrun by college kids, the majority whom don’t know who the hell artists are that play the songs, just how to drunk hum the lyrics, but the variety on these now a days are just way to cliché and overrun by, get this…power ballads? Anyway, here are two songs that have tainted the musical machine for me. Although I can write about a 10,000-word article on the many songs that have done it for me, these claim the top two spots.

Reason #2: Rick Springfield ‘Jessie’s Girl’:

If you ask me this is one of the original emo tracks. Just watch the video and tell me otherwise. But when it comes to this song, I have to pull the plug on it. Who the f#@k is Jessie and what the hell does his girl look like to have this song played 67 times on any given Thursday night at the Grove? If it’s the chick in the video, then she looks like an older Lauren Conrad, but it’s definitely not her. Not only has this song corrupted the image of the jukebox for me, but it’s gotten thousands of poor guys named Jessie into fights since everyone seems to wanna’ be all up on his kool-aid. The guys seem to dig this one more than the girls, which is why it’s made our list, if it doesn’t get girls moving, then why play it??? I know there are some terrible pop songs out there that women love, but let’s be real, I think guys can put up with four minutes of a bad song if girls are dancing to it. No one dances to this one. Guy’s only drink more until they finally offend someone and get kicked out.

Reason #1: Journey ‘Don’t Stop Believing’:

In a majority of bars around the nation, the jukebox is the primary way of getting music to the customers. What better way to keep them happy then to let them have their pick at what to play, right? ……WRONG! Totally wrong! If you’re ever at a bar in the Grove (chances are about 75% that you’ve been there if you’re a local), and see a young man with a backwards cap with a frayed brim, wearing Crocs, and a t-shirt that looks like this this, then quickly grab your mug, your pitcher, or even your girlfriend, and hurl it at him. Dive into his path if you have to. Whatever it takes to get him away from the jukebox. Chances are he’ll throw in a couple of bucks and in the list he chooses, Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ will definitely be on there. The first lines of the song, ‘Just a small town girl, livin in a lonely world,’ are enough to have me stop drinking my beer and walk outside into oncoming traffic. This song gets more hits than a lonely girl at a frat party. The shriek coming from the girls at the bar at the mere start of the first note does it for me. I know at that moment in time, that it’s time to pay the tab. As ‘classic’ or ‘original’ as this track may be, it’s made the jukebox turn into a junkbox for me as soon as I see it in the lineup. Jonathan Cain, Steve Perry and Neal Schon…thanks but no thanks.

Although I’m seriously considering putting together a large list of all the other tracks that have tainted the perception of the jukebox for me, I rather not…might come off as a bit negative. There are places out there that have great selection on their jukeboxes, but the only one I’ve come across was in a little village outside of London at the Rose and Crown Pub in Wendover. Now you tell me, how the hell can this town, that’s literally a few miles wide, have one of the best jukeboxes I’ve come across, but Miami, that’s one of America’s major cities, be seriously lacking them? Tough one to answer, but I still have hope that good music will prevail.

Views expressed in this article are solely that of the author and does not necessarily represent the views and opinions of CoolJunkie.